Jealousy
by NiGhT-sTaLkEr13
Summary: A session with Megatron and Karmashock about Megatron's jealousy. AU, post-war, profanity, sexual references, psychological themes.


Jealousy

**Characters: Megatron, Karmashock [(mentions of Shockwave, Char) G1]**

WARNING: Contains spoilers for fic series. 

"So, I want to talk to you about jealousy," said the therapist, Karmashock sitting with a small data-pad against his knee as Megatron was across from him in the small office. They'd spoken about this before, but it was quite early on in their sessions, to which Megatron was uncomfortable talking about it so soon—and so it was never pushed again. Until now.  
"I know we've spoken about it before, but I feel back then you weren't exactly ready to open that far up. But, considering we've been together for quite a bit now, I was wondering if it was a territory you'd be comfortable talking about once more. Of course, you don't need to, but I feel it's something that'll help ease you."

Tensing for a moment, Megatron figured it would eventually come back up. Admittedly, he knew he was terrible when it came to jealousy. Ever since he was just a kid. He figured it was normal, but considering how violent his thoughts could get, well, now that he thought of it, it was quite a bad case when it did happen.  
"What of it?" he asked, placing his hands onto the side of the lounge. Surely Karmashock wanted to speak about something more specific, right? Not just his overall jealousy. Even the therapist knew on a general basis that he was a clearly hostile and violet mech.

Looking up from the pad, Karmashock put his foot back to the ground, which had been against his knee. "Well, I want to know about it from the beginning. I know your feelings towards the young femme you once had, and your actions in the end. I want to know if this could still be a problem in the future, especially around Shockwave," he explained.

Rubbing the back of his neck, the silver mech gave a soft sigh. "I guess it's always been rather violent," he admitted, his optics lowering for a moment. "I've told myself a million times that jealousy often ruins relationships, be that platonic or sexual, but it's been something that was hard for me to control," he confessed, looking back to the other mech.  
"It probably all started with my mother, considering all of my problems," he said, giving a sad laugh. "But… when I saw the other sparklings with their parents, it made me… sad at first. I was hurt and confused, not understanding why the others were granted such compassion, whilst I was shown nothing. But eventually, things changed, as they do. You start to realise that feeling sorry for yourself does nothing. You start to try and punish others for your misery. And I guess that's where the first signs came in. The first fantasies of causing pain and suffering—giving someone else the same pain as me. Only much worse."

Taking notes, Karmashock stopped scribbling down as he heard the mech stop. "Well, we all have our ways of dealing with hurt, Megatron," he said softly, giving a light nod for him to continue.

Yeah, except not everyone sought to kill innocent life when they were in pain, did they? Megatron brushed that away, though. "You know I became jealous of my father, in the sense of gaining attention, anyway. I don't particularly like admitting to that, considering my father used to say shit to me about it. If he said anything about it these days, I'd probably end up putting him to the ground considering my own self-disgust."

Karmashock knew all about what Megatron had done when he was younger. They'd already spoken about the complex that was common in young mechs at a young age—though usually they grew out of it. Megatron eventually had, but not until his late teenage years, which was always something to worry about.  
"I remember," he noted, giving a polite smile. "But you know you don't need to talk about that if you don't wish. We've discussed most of it, and I think you've grasped that it wasn't anything that was your fault. You were simply a young mech who loved and needed his mother's attention."

"Please, don't try and sugar-coat it," Megatron scoffed in disgust. "It's a sensitive topic, but don't try and praise me. I'd rather feel disgusted than anything else for what I had done over my own oil and steel," he snapped. "So I got off on some weird shit when I was a kid, big deal? It's in the past, and I'm glad it is. I might get a hard-on over some violence these days, but at least it's for someone else."

Stopping his writing, Karmashock looked to the older mech, his hands having clenched around the edge of the arms. "Of course," he said. "At least you've accepted it and moved on, which is a great process, by the way."

Shaking his head, Megatron just looked away, folding his arms as he pushed himself into the back of the lounge. "I'm not pleased with what I did, Karmashock," he said softly. "When I think about it, I just wish I could tear my skin from my body. It feels like there's something crawling beneath it, eating me alive. I just want it gone, but I know it can never leave me…"

"It's the same when you remember what she did to you, right?" said the Australian-accented mech. "It's something most patients feel when they've been violated or highly disgusted in something they've done or has been done to them. We've been through all of this before, so I expect you know it all, but don't feel as if it's your fault. You know very well it wasn't."

Biting his jaw, Megatron's teeth bared for a moment, his hands clutching at himself as his arms were still folded. "You're doing it again!" he yelled, pushing himself up to pace around the room. "I don't want to be told that it's not my fault!" he sneered, grabbing the side of his helm. "I'd rather take it like a mech! Know what I did was wrong!"

Parting his lips, Karmashock's optic brows arched, allowing the mech to pace—whatever made him feel comfortable, and he knew Megatron paced a lot when he was stressed. "Being molested wasn't your fault, Megatron," he said, putting the pad down onto the arm of the lounge. "Your mother's actions were not asked for."

"I could have stopped it!" growled the larger mech, smacking the side of his palm against the wall. "I could have told someone! They would have listened! Even my father!" he said. "He didn't know, but if he did? He said he would have taken me away from her…!"  
Breathing hard, he ran a hand down his face, biting down onto his knuckle. "I know it's been done, Karmashock… I know I can't change anything, but I always ask myself how my life could be so different if I had. I know it's not my fault that she touched me, but it's my fault that I never escaped. I could have, and knowing I could have makes me only hate myself even more. I _let_ this happen to me! When I could have stopped it all those vorn ago…"

"Megatron, you were a child," said the younger mech. "You were afraid, scared to death of others calling you a liar. Believe me, you're not the only kid who's never told a soul about their past. You can't go blaming yourself on this again. Fear is a horrid emotion, and I'd be surprised if any child came out without a shame and told someone about being touched inappropriately," he said, slate optics on the other mech inside the room.  
"Come on, take a seat," he motioned, Megatron eyeing where he had been previously seated. "If you want, we can move off topic. You know I'm not going to push you any further if you don't want to. This is all in your own time, mate."

"No, just get this shit over and done with," snapped Megatron, sitting himself back down with a thud. "The sooner this is out on the table, the sooner I can just forget it all."

"Is that how you really feel?" asked the therapist. "That as soon as you tell me something that we'll never talk about it again?"

Narrowing his optics, Megatron looked to the smaller mech, knowing that the topic wouldn't just be dropped. Hell, he paid him for a reason, didn't he? "Of course not," he murmured, giving a soft sigh. "I know how these things go. Getting down to the bottom of it all and that reminiscing bullshit."

Karmashock gave a light laugh, picking his pad back up. "Well, that's the basics," he said, giving a grin. "Now, if you want to continue where you were before?"

"Eventually, I started hating both my mother and my father, but by that time, someone else had come into my life… Someone who was kind to me," said Megatron, remembering the first day he and Char had met.

"Char?" asked Karmashock, seeing the older mech give a nod. "How did you two officially meet?"

Leaning back, Megatron leant his helm against his palm, his elbow on the arm of the lounge. "She was just moving to Kaon Public School. I was sitting outside the Director's office… you know, as I always was," he said, giving as slanted smirk. "She was getting signed in; her parents making her sit down. At first, I didn't know how to react. She was kind to me, even if she had called me weird."

Karmashock gave a light chuckle at that. So, Megatron had had his first schoolboy crush. But he knew it went further than that, considering how the femme had died.

"From thereon, she was the only 'bot who cared for me, even when I never asked for it. She looked out for me, younger or not…" said Megatron, running his fingers across his chin. "I guess I found in her what I needed—someone to care for me. But my own feelings went dark. I wanted her more than anything I ever wanted. It didn't matter that my mother was still defiling me, or my father was still beating me around the house. All I lived for was to see her face again, even if her friends were making fun of me."

Megatron seemed to really have fallen in love with this femme, and even fallen to become a slave to his feelings. It was obvious the mech had been very needy when it came to the young femme. And taking down more notes, Karmashock nodded.  
"But she didn't feel the same?" he said, seeing Megatron nod softly. "And I'm guessing this caused anger? Hurt? Confusion to why she cared so much, but wouldn't take it to the next step?" he asked. "And this was when you… forced yourself onto her?"

"My intentions weren't to force her," retaliated the larger mech. "I just… I was drawn to her, that was all. I wasn't expecting her to say no, considering all we had been through. I thought it was the right thing to do when you… cared for someone."

Quirking an optic ridge, Karmashock frowned for a moment. "Tell me, Megatron, why are you afraid to admit that you loved her? Clearly you had from your intense jealousy and ending actions. It's no secret to anyone who knows about her, either. So why are you afraid to say those words?"

"I'm not afraid to say it!" snapped the older mech. "I say I'm in love with Shockwave every day!"

"And now your hostility is going up again…" said the smaller mech, halving his optics. "You're not exactly showing a good case here."

Growling, Megaton's hands clenched once more, ready to pummel the mech. "I'm not afraid to say it," he repeated darkly, his optics on the slate ones.

"Then say you loved her," said Karmashock, giving a shrug as if it were nothing, when he knew it was something.

Fine. "If you _have_ to hear it, well then fine. I… l…iked her," he said, giving a sigh and smacking his hand to his face. "I don't know why I can't say it," he murmured, shaking his head. "I know my feelings, but for some reason, I can't admit to them. You're the fucking doctor here, why can't you tell me?"

"I think you were ashamed to admit it when you were a sparkling, and ever since, you've conditioned yourself to say you didn't love her, because you were afraid of love. That and hardly knew what it was," explained the younger mech.  
"To you, love was… violence," he admitted. "But you didn't want to accept that, considering you didn't want to harm her in your right mind. Everything you knew about love was a lie, and it confused you," he said. "You wanted to be with this femme, but you didn't want to hurt her like what you were being shown love was—that being your mother and father's kind of love. But deep inside, you knew that's not how you felt. You wanted to be gentle. And therefore, you told yourself it wasn't love, it was just… there."

Swallowing, Megatron lowered his optics. "It took me a long time to tell Shockwave that I… loved him," he murmured, shaking his head. "In the end, I think I said it directly because I know he needed to hear it. Don't get me wrong, I do love the mech, but that word has been so… twisted and contorted throughout my life. I don't even know how I fell for him."

"I don't blame you for finding the word somewhat taboo," said the coated mech. "In fact, I'm surprised you can admit to it now. Love's something that we cherish, and I know you love your mate. I have no doubt about that at all. But not being able to say it isn't such a bad thing. Sometimes it's actions that speak louder than words, Megatron. But you should be thankful that you can tell Shockwave your feelings considering your past."

"Where does all this shit fit into jealousy?" asked Megatron, rubbing the front of his hood.

"Well, this whole thing is still about jealousy, Megatron," stated the younger 'bot. "With love, comes these emotions. You can't let one in without all the others. But, considering direct jealousy, I want you to continue on with Char, and then we'll move to other points," he said, picking up his pad once more.

Right, of course. "When she said no to me, I didn't know how to react," he continued. "She ran away from me, saying it wasn't what she wanted. But I didn't know what to do, so I went back home, and all I could hear inside my head was that she wanted it as much as I did. Why would she be so kind to me, otherwise? Why would she talk to me, show me affection? All I wanted was to feel her against me, and so I basically… well… did what any teenage boy did in a stressful situation."

"Did you always masturbate when jealous?" asked the therapist, still scribbling notes.

"I often did, but I wouldn't call it a problem, or a fetish," said Megatron, giving a frown. "Jealousy made me angry, which later caused sexual fantasies of hurting something, and that's when I would please myself."

Karmashock pursed his lips. It could still be a paraphilia of Megatron's, even if the jealousy was causing sexual fantasies of pain. It still started off with him being jealous, which caused that anger. It was a chain, but it could still mean he was sexually excited by it.  
"What of your fantasies?" he asked. "When you were going at it, did you still imagine harming someone? And was it Char that you were hurting?" he asked, seeing the mech tense a little.

"I… Yes," he murmured. "It wasn't like me hitting her, it was more… an argument," he said. "It was almost the same scenario every time, if sometimes using different words and outcomes. But yes, it was involving Char," he said.  
As Karmashock told him to go on, he gave a soft sigh. "I approached her, asking her what had happened or the like. It was a control factor in the end. We argued, and her being submissive to me was a turn on," he admitted. "In the end, I took her either way. But the rage inside me was the thing that made me feel the best."

"A true sadist even when a youngling," commented Karmashock as he scribbled down the last of his sentence. "The warm feeling inside your stomach? The anger? Jealousy? It was a turn on?" he asked, looking to the mech.

Feeling himself getting uneasy, Megatron nodded. "Yes, it was," he said, frowning to himself as he remembered how many times he was standing over the toilet and being thrown into overload by his own heated anger.  
"But I never wanted to hurt her," he said, as much as his darker half had made him fantasise. "It was just a fantasy, a feeling that I gained pleasure from. I never would have truly harmed her if we had been in that situation. I wanted to give her everything…!" he tried to say, as if it would justify his sadistic needs.

Frowning, Karmashock tugged on his goatee for a moment. "The thing about sexual sadists is that… no matter how much you love someone, in the end, you do have needs. As much as you love Shockwave, I'm sure you two have some rough play every now and again. You need someone who can handle you, Megatron, and Shockwave's masochism is the answer." Yes, he had guessed Shockwave's masochistic needs every now and again.  
"In the end, I doubt you would have wanted to literally harm her, but your sexual excitement from anger would have made you—accident or not," he said. "You'd clearly become a slave to your feelings for her, but you can't predict that you wouldn't have hurt her. Especially if you were having these sexual fantasies of her at such a young age."

"I know what I felt!" said Megatron, his optics narrowing. "I would have kept her safe…" he murmured. "I would have _tried_ for her."

In the end, Megatron may have tried, but it was purely in his needs. Down to the dot, Megatron was a sexual sadist. He needed the heat of anger and violence to make him feel good. Even if he and Shockwave played romance once in a while, Megatron still _needed_ some form of violence in his life.  
"I believe you," said the therapist, though leaving the topic due to sensing the uneasiness of the mech. "What about when others talked with Char? Did you get jealous from that?" he asked. "Did your fantasies turn to them instead of Char?"

"You're speaking of other mechs flirting with her?" asked Megatron, feeling his spark tighten a little. "Yes, I did get jealous. I got jealous enough to push one of the mechs away from her when I saw them kissing. I guess push would be an understatement, considering he went home with a broken nose and jaw…" he mumbled.

"And your excitement?" asked the therapist.

Shifting his position, Megatron gave a sigh. "I didn't sexually fantasise about them, no. But I did fantasise about beating their bodies to oily pulp, which was enough to make me jack-off in the school bathrooms on a frequent basis."

Nodding, Karmashock looked to the larger mech. "And this was all formed from jealousy once more?" he asked, watching the silver 'bot give another nod. "And when you saw Char first when you were released? Why didn't you kill her on sheer impulse?" he asked.

"Her bond-mate was a security officer, meaning he had weapons, whilst I was defenceless," said Megatron. "When I first got out, I wanted to return to her, to apologise for her having to see me in such a horrid state. They sedated me, pricking a needle in my aft when she had visited. I wanted to show her that I was better—even though I knew I wasn't," he said, frowning.  
"When I saw her… I was ready to tell her I was okay, and that I was released. But… then I saw them. The sparklings and her mate. I froze. I didn't know what to believe. I felt betrayed, lied to. Cheated!" he hissed. "But at the same time, my spark was breaking right then and there, and so I was forced to turn back. Yes, I was more jealous than I had ever been in my life, but that didn't mean the anger set in right away. I was hurt. I was confused. I wanted to know what had happened since I had been locked away. And so I didn't attack, I simply… researched," he said, having stalked them for quite some time.  
"I knew every time zone they left, every little detail about everything," he continued. "And then I set it up. The jealousy finally began setting in. The hate for her mate as I watched him cheat on her with his security partner. And as I planned everything accordingly, I finally had the cogs to approach her."

Karmashock remembered the time Megatron had explained what had happened on the night of Char's death, so he knew Megatron probably wouldn't go into the details any more than he already had.  
"I'm very surprised you didn't take her then and there, but I can understand a broken spark," said the mech. "Your intentions weren't to kill her, but your jealousy, in the end, led you to. You still wanted to share a life with her, be that with her willing to or not."

"Yes…" said Megatron, his optics lowering once more. "I would have crawled on my knees for her if she wanted me to. As much as I wanted to take her, I would have done everything for her at the same time."

"Just like you would have for your mother's approval when you had been a youngling," said Karmashock, seeing the pattern of femmes here. Megatron had never shown submissiveness in his and Shockwave's relationship. Yes, they had had their fights, and in the end, Megatron would end up apologising, but nothing as severe as it had been with his mother and Char.  
In the end, Karmashock believed that this was because Shockwave was a mech, and clearly didn't have that childhood trauma grip on Megatron like femmes did. As much as he had raped them and 'given them what they deserved', deep inside, Megatron was still a sparkling when it came to femmes, and he was afraid of them gaining control of him once more—like they had when he was just a kid.  
"What about Shockwave?" he asked, Megatron looking back to him. "Have you ever been jealous of something? I know the mech isn't into femmes, so that causes no jealously, but what if a mech were to flirt with him?"

"I've had an operation on my cranium, Karmashock. Even if I were with a femme, I'd be able to control myself better," said Megatron, giving a slight shrug. "What would discussing this prove?"

Giving a light laugh, Karmashock sat back. "True that it wouldn't have the same effect, but I still want to know your jealousy levels."

Running his hand to the back of his neck, Megatron furrowed his optic ridges. "Shockwave isn't the type of mech that… goes out and socialises with other mechs with intent to get laid," said the former warlord. "He's a humble mech, that I trust one-hundred-percent."

"Are you saying that you didn't trust Char?" asked Karmashock. So, maybe that was it? Maybe it was because he never truly trusted Char like he had with Shockwave.

"Not like I do Shockwave," Megatron admitted. "Karmashock, we spent vorns working together. Shockwave was my most loyal commander, Soundwave by his side. But that's different to how I felt with Char. I was younger. I was more vulnerable to trust. When I was with Shockwave, I knew him. I still know him. And I trust in him with my life."

Giving a light smile, Karmashock took a sip of his drink. "Well, that's great news to hear, but what about your jealousy? Surely it's still there, right? I mean, with your past, it can't _not_ be there. What about the incident with Seven?"

Remembering the mech, Megatron's canines bared for a moment. "That insignificant little shit?" he asked, looking to Karmashock as he gave him a knowing look. "Alright, yes, I still have jealousy. But how can't I when that little fuck was trying to get into my mate's aft?"

"Knowing of your condition back then to now, how did you deal with it personally?" asked the motorbike.

Giving a soft sound, Megatron ran his left hand to the back of his helm. "At first, it was just a nuisance," he admitted. "Seeing them two interact with one another was a pain in the aft, not to mention making me want to beat the mech to death. But it wasn't as strong as it once had been," he said. "Yes, I got off in the shower over fantasies of attacking Seven and giving him what he deserved, but that's what sadism is, correct?" he asked. "Sexual fantasies of making others suffering pain. It was nothing more than that. I didn't have the urge to literally kill Seven… Until that night," he murmured.  
"When I had seen the two on the floor, drunk off their afts, I felt like I had before. Like I'd been betrayed by the one I loved. Only, this time I was more confused, because I thought I had known Shockwave to be better than that. But this was his friend who he had fallen for when he was just a sparkling. I felt my spark shatter once more, having promised myself that I would never let it happen again," he said, giving a frown.  
"He explained himself, and I believed him, no matter how much my spark was hurting. There was something telling me that I _knew_ who Shockwave was, and he would never let himself fall to the depths of betrayal. He's simply not that kind of mech. But I had to question myself… If I ever saw Char again—if she were alive—would I have done the same?" he asked, looking to the therapist.

Megatron's conditions had certainly changed. His jealously wasn't as dangerous as it once had been, but he still knew that it could be deadly. Megatron had controlled himself in not taking Seven's life, but he had still attacked him—but that was just like any angry 'bot in these circumstances.  
"You've shown great amounts of improvement, Megatron, both you and I know that. Your jealously level is still high, but it's the trust you have for your mate that keeps it at bay—which is something you need. You're not possessive of Shockwave like you would have been when younger, like you were with Char. You trust him enough to leave him alone with another mech, which you wouldn't have in Char's case. Not only because you were younger and didn't have that complete trust factor, but because your personality wouldn't let you. It was possessive of her, wanting to make her yours, and yours only. Anyone else to eye her was a threat to you," explained the therapist.  
"As for your question, I can't answer that completely. I've seen many school partners end up with one another again. Sometimes it's meant to be, and sometimes it's not. But I doubt you'd ever fall for someone you can't trust again, and that's what makes you and Shockwave a believable couple. There is trust, compassion, loving. Love is something that many toss around, but you two connect the dots in what love truly is—even if you're two completely different 'bots."

Lowering his optics, Megatron felt his lips crease into a small smile. "Maybe it's better off that she's gone," he murmured, looking back up. "It's freed me from being a slave to my own emotions, and it's allowed me to grow in many more ways than one," he said. "I've experienced pain and suffering, and a broken spark, but I know I won't suffer that with Shockwave. I know who he is, and he would never be any different."

Giving a grin, Karmashock nodded. "I'll drink to that," he said, lifting his mug up to show a small cheers.

Giving a soft chuckle, Megatron relaxed against the chair. "I know I tried to push this all away, but thank you for forcing it out of me. I needed it," he said, giving an appreciative nod.

"Hey, it's what I'm here for, mate," said Karmashock, putting his data-pad down. "Come on, let's get some energon down at the café," he said, giving a grin. "Primus knows we need it, ey?" he beamed, allowing the larger mech out of the small office.

**Author's Comment:**

_I wanted to write up some information about Megatron's condition and psychiatric levels, particularly his jealousy. _

_This pretty much informs you of some of the stuff that's happened in the past and explains Megatron's feelings/views on some of them. _

_Sexual arousal from jealousy is called Zelophilia, just for your information._

_All characters are G1/IDW based._


End file.
